Dad Is Sad

 My mother sent me this card in the mail:

Oh if you only knew how wrong you are.


Also, I just started reading this book:

If I wrote a book about parenting (Ha! when would I find the time?) I'd call it Dad Is Sad.


Most dads come home from work (at 5pm or later) and can't wait to play with their kids. I come home at 130pm and can't wait to take a nap. That's why I haven't walked or exercised all spring (that and the constant, unrelenting rain). Having kids brings me joy when I'm able to play with them, create with them, and walk around the block or at a park or run around in the backyard. But that happens with decreasing frequency, and for the weakest reasons.

The Mrs and I operate on different schedules. I'm always tired when they're awake and vice versa. The bad weather ruins half the days and the other half are filled with shopping plans or visits to grandma's house, usually planned without my knowledge while I'm at work. My oldest doesn't draw or paint anymore because the house is too small and cluttered with mess that we're both unable to clean because someone always needs something - a drink, a snack, a diaper change, a book, etc etc. It wears me out mentally more than physically; feels like I only get the hard parts of being a dad and not the fun stuff. And when there is a chance to enjoy being a dad my three year-old doesn't let me.


Yesterday was 'graduation day' at the Little Gym, so the kids could bring both parents, grandparents, uncles, whoever. Most three year-olds are graduating to another class - either one without parental supervision or a specialized dance/gymnastics class - but my little one can't advance because she still hasn't learned how to follow instruction. When the kids sit in a circle she runs away, usually chasing one girl or boy around the room. When the kids line up for tumbling she plays with a ball or bubbles. She's not the only one of course, they're three years old after all. But it just seems like she hasn't made any progress.

At the end of the class the parents and kids sat in a big circle to receive medals. It was my job to take pictures and since my girl was first I hurried into position. When her name was called, she was supposed to stand on a makeshift pedestal out of padded gym mats and smile or raise her arms when the instructor placed a medal around her neck. Which works if you're dealing with olympic athletes. Undisciplined toddlers? Not so much. Melly ran away crying and wanted nothing to do with the medal. She didn't want to be there at all, especially with a room full of adults she's never seen before. As I stood there taking pictures and video I kept saying "Yup, that's my kid." Not because I was disappointed in her but because I know exactly where her social anxiety comes from.

I tried to convince myself that I wasn't a complete failure and that my little one's behavior was common for kids her age, so I watched all the other kids get their medals. One or two of them had similar reactions, but most of them were excited. Perhaps a little too excited; one boy fell off the mat on his way up and two other kids crashed into each other in passing. But most of them received their medals without incident and made their shutterbug parents proud. One mom in particular reminded me of someone I hadn't thought about in a long ass time.

Anyone remember Fantasy Girl?

For those that don't, FG is a girl I met in an online writing class whose preferred genre is, well, fantasy. She is quite attractive, so I suppose the 'Fantasy Girl' moniker could work on two levels. (yeah, like I hadn't thought of that before.)

Anyway, this mom was a little older and a little darker than FG but had a very similar body type. I'd seen her before a time or two, but I hadn't seen her husband. If I had thought about it all (which I had not because I completely forgot this woman existed) I'd assume she'd be married to a tan, built, perfectly-coiffed yuppie. Or since this is New Jersey, maybe someone like this asshole. Instead I was struck by just how average-looking this MILF's husband was.

I know I've been told to be less superficial, and I've made strides in that area. In fact as I watched the guy play with his little boy while his wife smiled and took pictures I tried to ignore the fact that this guy was probably on my level physically: a little stockier, a little older, and a little balder but with a nicer-looking face. [Yes, I creep on dudes too.*]

What was different about us clearly was not visible on the surface. It's the mature, well-adjusted man stuff that separates us: the ability to drive a car or hold down a job or make friends or cook dinner without being crippled by anxiety, the desire to be a capable and attentive husband and father, and the sense to put your family ahead of yourself (only child syndrome be damned). That's how you end up with the hot wife and the confident, obedient child.

[*P.S. If anyone reading this is offended that I notice attractive women and you have something to say about my 'staring', 'ogling' or 'creeping' say it to me. Don't anonymously attack my friends for expressing their opinion. It's fine if you disagree with something I said, but do so like Kazehana: openly and respectfully. It's hard enough to find people who don't automatically criticize everything I say and do, don't chase them away. ]



After the gym class debacle my father in-law took us to a crappy diner for breakfast. I already ate before we left but I didn't want to be a dick and it was almost lunch time anyway. Wasn't sure what drink to get since OJ is so expensive and it was a little early for Coke... but then I saw smoothies on the menu! I've been trying to drink more smoothies but am too lazy to make my own, so I ordered an orange strawberry banana.

The old lady waitress looked at me like I was speaking another language. They don't serve smoothies anymore, and no one in the kitchen would make one for me. Then why is it on the f*cking menu?

Mood: Destroyed

I seriously considered not ordering anything (who knows what else they stopped serving?) but again I didn't want to look like a jerk. So I grudgingly ordered my sausage omelette, which the waitress brought 20 mins later... and left it on the table behind us. She served my father-in-law, my wife and kids, and then started to walk away for a minute before finally retreating to bring my food to me. I could have done it myself and saved the tip money, but whatever. I said nothing to her for the rest of the meal. Shit like that infuriates me when I'm already in a mood.

Unfortunately that's been the case more often lately.


I haven't written anything in 2 weeks. I told the Mrs. that I planned to go to the library twice this past week to make up for it. Then the weatherman pissed all over my plans, telling us to prepare for epic rainfall on the exact days that the library stays open late. Now it's been 3 weeks without writing anything. And the one nice day we had this week - Wednesday - was ruined unexpectedly. We were getting the girls ready to go to the park and/or downtown Westfield, a really nice upscale town nearby that has a bunch of shops, restaurants, Trader Joe's, and a kid friendly hot dog/hamburger place. Then my wife's aunt showed up unannounced and stayed for an hour in the heart of the afternoon. By the time she left (after 4:30pm) the girls were cranky and tired.

Another day wasted.

And, as if I didn't have enough things to be upset about....


My sister-in-law is going in for a brain scan this week. She had some serious weakness on her left side and went to the doctor for some blood work. They ruled out MS but not a brain tumor.... yet.

My brother in-law left me a shoebox full of Magic cards to sell. Which is good because I spent almost all the money from the last haul. It's amazing how fast you can blow $1,000 when you're stuck inside and unable to concentrate on writing. Not as fast as a casino, but still. I almost wanted to cry when I realized how fast it was all spent and how unsatisfied I was with some of my purchases.

I'm going back to CT in two weeks for a much-needed sabbatical. My brother from another mother is taking me to Fenway Park again on the Saturday of that weekend, which means I've only got Sunday to visit with family and write. Despite the fact that I love my Red Sox and they are in 1st place in the American League I am much, much less enthused about going this time around. Part of that is the lousy experience I had last year, the rest is just me being less enthused about everything in general.

Despite the fact that I need to step out of my tiny little world for a few days I'm tempted to call my mother at the last minute and cancel because family member X is sick. Then a week later I'll tell her that our car has died and the mechanics can't figure out why so they can't fix it. Then a month later I'll tell her that I'm really, really sick and I'm so sorry but I can't make it to her daughter's first birthday party. But that would be really petty and immature and it isn't her fault that she hasn't been able to come see me. I really, truly believe that it's just been a series of unfortunate coincidences that have forced her to cancel her plans to visit.

So why haven't I bought my train ticket to CT yet?

************

It's obvious that I've got a lot of issues that need fixing - and soon, before I pass them on to my children. Equally obvious is the fact that I am a mediocre father at best. Fatherhood does not suit me; I need to get over myself and grow into it.

Caught Looking

The family and I made our weekly trip to Target this afternoon. I was desperate to leave the house and instead of making my own plans and leaving the Mrs. to watch the kids on her own (which she does whenever I go to work or the library or the park or to sleep) I kept asking her if there's anywhere she'd like to go. She was reluctant at first because our 1 yr-old has a cold and probably shouldn't be out too long but decided that the girls could handle a short trip to grab some dad/grad gifts.

We didn't spend as much money as usual, mostly because my wife put back a storage box thingy that fell apart at the checkout counter. And while she was debating whether or not to buy it, replace it, or discard it I rocked the shopping cart back and forth staring ahead and zoning out for the next few seconds. I remember feeling hungry and impatient while looking ahead toward the exit, where I noticed a girl standing with her mother. The girl could have been anywhere from 16 to 30; I'm not a real good judge of ages and I wasn't staring at her. I just happened to look ahead and not look away.

To be honest I had been playing a game of 'could I get her?' in my mind while we shopped. You know you've played it (though there's probably a better name for it) while shopping or working or passing strangers on the street. If you haven't it's simple: you see someone and you either think you're attractive enough to 'get' them or you don't. Maybe I was still playing and didn't realize it. Maybe I had a hard time deciding if this girl was hot or not. I honestly did not get a good look at her; from a distance all I could see were her deep set eyes that seemed sort of mismatched with the rest of her features and her tan, athletic-looking legs.

If  I was fantasizing about anything it was a large order of McDonald's fries and not ripping her clothes off.

And yet...


My wife paid for our purchases and we made our way to the exit just ahead of this girl and her mother. As I pushed the cart through the automatic door I could hear the woman talking to her daughter: That guy was checking you out.

Oh. Shit.

The girl was as unaware of it as I was, asking her mother who the guy was and how she could tell.

That guy. Did you see his eyes? They were as big as...

...something like that maybe?

I didn't hear what simile she used to describe my eyes; I was too busy considering my options: turn around and give the woman an icy 'I can hear you' stare OR listen for the girl's response, admit to nothing, and quietly die of embarrassment.

I chose option 'B'.

Luckily my wife didn't hear any of this and if I was checking this girl out her mother was the only one that noticed. But as I loaded our bags and kids into the car my mind was searching for other instances where I was checking out a girl that I knew was hot enough to stare at. Did they notice? Were any of them with mothers or fathers or boyfriends or husbands that noticed? How come I've never been called out on it before?

All of this had me so completely flustered that I momentarily forgot which key unlocks the car door. I clicked the 'unlock' button as my wife asked but then I put the key in the ignition and turned on the engine for her - which she did not ask me to do. Then I loaded my 3 year-old into the car seat and forgot to buckle her in.  When we finally left the scene of the crime I was no longer hungry for McDonald's or any other type of food. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Instead I did the next best thing: I crawled into bed and took a two hour nap, followed by some eBay shopping which always makes me feel better. And at some point, after the little ones were asleep and I had a moment to think rationally about the whole thing, my mindset changed. I was over the embarrassment and guilt and decided to put a positive spin on this. This girl's mother didn't have any specific tone in her voice and the girl didn't judge me (at least I didn't hear or see her) and my wife didn't notice so... no harm, no foul right? It might even be a little ego boost to this slightly above average but hardly drop-dead gorgeous girl, put some swag in her step or whatever.


Plus it gives me an excuse to avoid making eye contact with anyone. Ever again.

NaNoWriMom week two: Unsustainable

I was unable to post an update yesterday because my wife had a job interview in the afternoon and I considered scrapping this week's post but if I do that then I have no incentive to make my progress public. And if I skip out on posting updates then I'll be more likely to skip out on writing and then the whole project goes to shit. So I'll keep updating, even if my ramblings are a day late. :-)


Last Monday I caught up on as many blogs as possible and prepared my last batch of Magic cards for shipment. Missed the season finales of How I Met Your Mother because we had a late dinner and Castle because we couldn't get the little one to fall asleep, so we decided to watch Castle later when she wasn't crying (ugh, soooo predictable). Apparently I didn't miss much on the season finale of HIMYM... just the reveal of the mother and the whole point of the frickin' show. But they talked about it on Dish Nation and even though she hasn't met Ted and could end up being a terrific character/actress I have to say I'm disappointed. (Here she is, in case you're interested.)

Tuesday I mailed out the Magic cards and celebrated with a nice long nap. I'm not going to know what my cut of the money will be until this weekend but I already started spending it. There's a whole list of books I want to buy/borrow but I thought I should start with my blogger friends first and worry about the rest later.

Wednesday the Mrs and I watched Zero Dark Thirty which means that the only movie left on my must-see movie list of 2012 is... Lincoln. It also means that the week was half over before I got any writing done, and since Thursday is my library day I knew I had to at least prepare something to work on while I was there, but I was stuck on the research and decided that I would be better served getting the facts straight than writing more fiction. And so I spent Thursday afternoon writing a list of questions that needed answering before I could complete the story arc. Then I e-mailed a handful of neurologists and oncologists and asked if they could share their expertise.

The family and I went food shopping Friday afternoon and since I still haven't found the time to create a healthy diet and exercise plan I picked up some junk food, two bottles of 5 Hour Energy and a bottle of Mountain Dew to prepare for a weekend Write-a-Thon. I did make one sorta healthy choice though: instead of buying the 2 liter bottle of Dew I opted for the 1.5 liter bottle and I decided against buying a bottle of Coke. Of course my wife was too tired to cook after a long shopping trip and decided to order a pizza for dinner. That was fine with me; I got the extra cheese pizzeria pizza I had been craving earlier. But while I felt guilty about eating another (half of a) pizza I felt equally remorseful about not buying that bottle of Coke. Pizza just isn't the same without cola.

All of that caffeine came in handy Friday night as I started writing after everyone else went to sleep (which is usually around 2 a.m.) 5 Hour Energy fueled a bit of a breakthrough with regard to my cancer sequence. I had two options: push back the beginning so the story starts a week earlier, or start the school year with uncertainty about Charlie's diagnosis.
I chose the latter even though it will require more editing because it feels more genuine and the story is better served this way. Plus Charlie won't seem callous in the date scene.


I worked on that into the wee hours of the morning, and didn't fall asleep until dawn. Then I had to get up four hours later to watch the little one while Mommy and Melly went to gym class. I crashed a bit when they got back but I bounced back in time for a trip to Target, where I purchased a make-good bottle of Coke for my pizza leftovers and two boxes of my new fave energy drink, Monster Zero Ultra.

Since Sunday is the only day I can actually sleep in I decided to drink the other bottle of 5 Hour Energy Saturday night and write my ass off until dawn once again.

It didn't work.

My body finally rebelled, and I wrote next to nothing Saturday night before falling asleep around 1:30 a.m. As of Noon on Sunday I had written a total of two pages all week, and I was a sleep-deprived mess. The only way for me to finish this novel without becoming a vampire is to write during daylight hours. And the only way to do that is to skip out on the Sunday trips to the in-laws. I told my wife I was going to sit this one out and do some housework (which had been piling up all week while I was watching TV and not writing) and she was okay with that - if I actually did the housework. So in between a two hour nap and doing the chores that I had promised to do I managed to churn out a few decent pages late that night. And then I went to work Monday morning on about four hours of sleep.


This week is off to a better start. I haven't written anything yet, of course, but I feel better. After punishing my body with energy drinks and sleepless nights I bought something to reverse the trend: a bottle of Neuro Sleep. Holy crap that stuff knocked me out! I drank it at 9:30 p.m. last night and I was ready to go to bed at 10. Of course I still had to take out the trash and watch the little one while my wife did her nighttime routine, so I ended up falling asleep at 11. Maybe it was all a placebo but I definitely felt my sinuses shutting down and instead of sitting up in bed for a half hour or longer until my mind wore itself out I was out cold within seconds.

The scary thing is, since I got such a restful night's sleep last night I'm thinking about guzzling a Monster and writing until 4 a.m. tonight. I probably won't though. My health is more important than some dumb story, right? (Don't answer that!)


I know I can't keep propping myself up with energy drinks and knocking myself out with un-energy drinks.

There has to be a better way to write a novel and be healthy and go to work and play with the kids.

This write-and-crash pattern is irrational, unhealthy, unproductive, and unsustainable.

Now it's time for this week's scorecard. As you can see, it's taken me two weeks to accomplish what I planned to do on one week. So if I continue at this pace I'll have a first draft finished next September. Or I'll be dead from a caffeine O.D. Whatevs.

NaNoWriMom Scorecard: Week Two (5/13-5/19)

Chapters completed: 3
Pages completed: 19
Best new thing: Got the cancer timeline straightened out.
Toughest part (besides a lack of writing time): Making sure that Charlie and Amber's mutual love of a certain rock band doesn't read like an info dump.

Hours of exercise: Hours? Try minutes. I walked once this week for maybe a half hour.
Soda consumed: One 20-oz bottle of Diet Mountain Dew, one 1.5 liter bottle of Mountain Dew, one 1.25 liter bottle of Coke. And that doesn't count the two cans of Monster and 2 shots of 5 Hour Energy.

Goals for week three: Drink less caffeine. Exercise before the weather gets unbearably hot (edit: too late) and get to Charlie and Amber's date, dammit!


Time to get back to work. See you next week!

NaNoWriMom week one: Can I (bleep)ing write now?

In an effort to be more present here on Blogger, and to hold myself accountable to my dwindling and neglected audience, I plan to post a weekly status report on my mission to complete a first draft of my WiP, The Lighthouse, by the end of the summer so that I can present it to my mother as a birthday gift.

I call it... NaNoWriMom.

This past week got off to a slow start. It rained a lot early in the week, and with eBay taking up too much of my time and my story notes not quite in order I wasn't able to get started until Thursday. It didn't bother me because most of the first ten chapters were written months ago, so a lot of the 'writing' would be simple edits and updates. I condensed two previous drafts of Chapters 1-3, decided that the third chapter is actually the end of chapter two, and worried that the stuff I've written and edited already will be much cleaner and better than the stuff I've yet to write. Maybe I'll ask some people to read the first half or so and see if they notice a difference.


Friday had quite a lot of promise. The weather was perfectly warm and sunny, and I couldn't wait to get out of work, ride around with the family and do some light shopping and/or grab some pizza for lunch. I had been searching for a decent pizza place that sells by the slice (one cheese and one sausage would have been satisfactory) but there are none here in town like the one near my previous place of employment, and the longer I go without the food or drink of my choice the more I want it. So my plan was to shop, have lunch, come home, put the girls down for a nap and either nap myself or go for a walk, then do some writing after dinner, watch a movie with the Mrs., and read some blogs before bed.

Here's what actually happened: the dentist called my wife and offered me a 3pm appointment to replace my broken filling, then ten minutes later she texted me again because her mom wanted to take her to the casino for Mother's Day (for whose Mother's Day gift is debatable) which meant that I would have to watch the girls all night. I took the dentist appointment, got my tooth re-filled, and took care of the girls by myself. For eight hours. They weren't too much trouble, but they did get increasingly crabby as the night went on. Naturally they missed Mommy and refused to sleep until she got home but they didn't quite make it that long.

I didn't get to check my phone until later that night and when I did I had four messages. I don't get four messages in a month, so of course I'd be real popular on the one night that I'm on daughter duty. The messages were from:

• Mom, calling to thank me for a very generous Mother's Day gift (I wrote her a check for $100 because she needs it more than I do, and because she's getting a shitty novel for her birthday.)
• Brother From Another Mother, asking if I want to see a Red Sox game next month (Of course I do. We need a do-over after last season's disappointing trip.)
• Wife, calling because she didn't get to the casino until 6:30pm. (Which meant that she wouldn't be home until after 11pm. Yay.)
• Father-in-law, offering to pick us up some White Castle for dinner while he was out. All I had to do was call him back on his cell phone and all this would be mine:

One problem - I didn't have his cell number. And the two people I could call to get it would never hear the phone ring over the sound of all that money being flushed down the toilet.

So....yeah. Friday pretty much sucked. I was so exhausted once the wife got home that I barely had enough energy to check my eBay auctions and send invoices to the winners. And of course I had to get up early the next morning because my oldest daughter has gym class at 10am every Saturday and I have to stay home with the little one. But I was able to nap after that, and we had lunch at Bertucci's brick oven pizza. Not exactly the pizza I had been craving, but it was close enough (and one of the hostesses was damn cute). We didn't do any shopping afterward because while we were in the restaurant there was a sudden and unexpected monsoon that we were not prepared for, and by the time we finished our food and the rain settled down the girls were ready for a nap.

Once we got home I ran upstairs and worked on my story for three hours straight. I had a lot of catching up to do, and I had finally built some momentum when it was time for dinner. After the girls went to sleep for the night my wife and I watched Django Unchained. Despite my bursts of creativity I absolutely could not wait to watch it any longer because I am a huge Tarantino fan and ever since Pulp Fiction exploded into theaters back in 1994 I have seen every one of his movies immediately. Until now. It took me five months to see Django, which is just shameful. And so I loaded up on a microwave burrito and an extreme 5-Hour Energy drink so that I could continue writing after the movie. At 3am.

Did I care that I was (artificially) staying awake until sunrise, doing little more than editing the first two chapters for probably the eighth time? Nope. I just wanted so badly to reach my weekly goal, and with Sunday being Mother's Day and my presence being required at the in-laws all day I knew this was my only chance to finish Chapters 1 and 2.


I did not finish them, not quite. The last page or two still needs a little tweaking and I absolutely could not force myself to finish it on Sunday after forcing myself to stay awake all night on Saturday. But it's close, and I added page numbers, a title page, and a new font so it looks more polished and structured.


Overall, I'd consider week one a modest success given the circumstances. Writing-wise, at least. As for my goal of losing fifteen pounds by the end of summer? That's not going so well. Microwave burritos, pizza, four sodas, two iced teas, ribs for Sunday dinner, and way too much bread is a recipe for failure. (Good thing I didn't get the White Castle too, eh?) I am drinking a lot more water though, so that's something.

And it's not about the number on the scale for me. It's about fitting into my clothes; half of my jeans are 38's and the other half are 36's. Basically I'm a 37. But they don't make 37's, do they? I know I'm doing well when my 36's fit comfortably and I know I'm porking out when my 38's are tight. And yes I realize that trying to lose weight concurrently with trying to write a novel is a tricky proposition, but I'm so out of shape and I'm always so damn tired. I shouldn't have to nap after an easy four hour workday.

Which reminds me, the other file clerk at work has been coming in earlier lately so we've been working together a lot. At first I thought he was kind of emo cause he's a little guy and he wears black all the time (and maybe he is emo) but the dude's arms are really cut. He was telling me to separate the Judgement files or some crap and all I kept thinking was Damn, I gotta start working out. Maybe I'll spend all the eBay cash that will eventually come my way on an elliptical or a home gym.


Anyway, I thought I'd end each NaNoWriMom post with a weekly scorecard to summarize all my writing progress. (You probably didn't need to read all of that blather above. Sorry about that!)

NaNoWriMom Scorecard: Week One (5/6-5/12)

Chapters completed: two...ish
Pages completed: 13
Best new thing: Cleaned up Charlie's conversation with his mom after the accident -- assuming she has a job that requires Saturday meetings at the office.
Toughest part (besides a lack of writing time): Can't finish chapter 2 until I find out how long it takes to schedule and perform a CT scan, retrieve results, and schedule and perform a brain biopsy.

Hours of exercise: Does walking to and from the post office count?
Soda consumed: One 20-oz bottle of Coke, one 20-oz bottle of Cherry Coke, two and a half 12-oz cans of Mountain Dew because the in-laws never have Dew and I wanted them to know I appreciate it. (Side note: Did they change the flavor of Cherry Coke? I used to love that stuff but it doesn't taste as good anymore. To be honest I'm losing my taste for most colas.)

Goals for week two: Charlie's diagnosis and the aftermath. The date scene is pretty much done, and it takes up a good chunk of chapters. If I can build a bridge to that by Friday I'll be ahead of pace this time next week. But I need to nail down the cancer stuff because if I don't get the reader invested in Charlie's struggle to fight the deadly brain tumor and live a normal life then all that fun, happy date stuff won't matter.


Time to get back to work... see you next week!

Summer Writing Goals

Usually when I don't blog for a while it's because I'm depressed and wasting away in hibernation. There's been no shortage of tragic and upsetting things happening in the world, but in my own life I've managed to keep the melancholy to a minimum. The part-time filing job pulled me out of the winter doldrums, and ever since spring started I've been so overloaded with various tasks that I don't have time to feel anything but exhaustion. I've been selling my brother-in-law's Magic: The Gathering cards on eBay, which has been quite profitable but also very time-consuming as I've had to list and keep track of over 100 transactions, answer questions, mail packages, and leave feedback. It's like having a second job, and it's left me no time to read or blog or read blogs. Or write.

Earlier this spring I set a goal for myself to finish a first draft by the end of the summer. I didn't tell anyone about my plan because I know how easily my writing goals (or any other ambition great or small) can be derailed by an unexpected change in my attitude and/or daily life. I've been working on this story for more than two years and I don't have nearly enough to show for it. My free time has always been so diluted that I always work on a little bit of everything, but I finish nothing. That's never really bothered me before as I rarely care about something enough to stick with it against any/all obstacles. But this is different. This isn't for me. If it were, I'd continue writing at a snail's pace until the kids were in school or I lost interest in the story.

I've been incredibly pessimistic about my writing, as many authors are (there's even a support group for insecure writers) and while I often feel that I am in waaaaaay over my head with The Lighthouse there are three things that have kept me going this time: my characters, my blogger friends, and my mom.


My characters are awesome, especially my leads. There are a couple choices I need to make with regard to consistency, and the adults (especially Charlie's mom) definitely need to be fleshed out more. But I truly believe that I have relateable, realistic characters and they are the engine that keeps this story moving despite the dead ends and long, winding roads.


My blogger friends have been so supportive of me over the past year and a half, and I seriously doubt I'd still be working on this story if not for your encouragement and positive vibes. Ever since baby #2 was born my blog visits have been spotty at best, and part of my summer writing plan includes setting aside an hour or two per week to comment on blogs, likely on Friday nights. I might post a brief update every Thursday but for the most part I'll save my creative energy for the novel.


My mom has supported my writing since I was eight years old. I've rarely finished a story and never finished a well-written story but my mom keeps encouraging me, asking me about my progress and talking to me about my story like no one else. It's been very tough to balance all of my daily responsibilities with any real story progress but I am committing myself to finish a first draft this summer for one reason: she turns 71 at the end of September and I want to give her something good. I've set time goals for myself in the past and failed to reach them, but this year I'm more motivated than ever.
My mom is my own personal NaNoWriMo.


So if I'm ever going to finish this thing I'll have to write at least two chapters a week, plus edits in September. It's not going to be easy, especially since I plan to cut my soda intake to almost nothing (hello 5 hour energy!) but I'm convincing myself that it's now or never.


Start the clock.